Saturday, February 6, 2010

Scolding my husband during spanking

Several of you have asked me if I lecture or scold Evan while I am spanking him. I am not sure if "lecturing" or "scolding" are quite the right words for what I do, but I definitely talk to him during spanking. I never yell: I speak calmly and forcefully. I end up telling him very similar things across different spankings:

First, I tell him to stay in position. As you can see from the pictures, he squirms a lot. I like the fact that my spanking hurts his bottom so much, but the squirming hurts my legs at times, because he is a big man. So I am often telling him to stop moving around. (Sometimes I do tie him down, so he can't squirm, but that is a topic for a later entry.)

Second, I ask him why I am spanking him. I can tell that he doesn't like it when I ask this. He doesn't like to tell me why he is being spanked. The reasons are usually pretty simple: he may have been a bit curt or impolite with me at some point during the day or the previous week. Alternatively, if he has been well behaved, then I want him to tell me that he needs my discipline. It seems difficult for him to articulate these reasons to me while he is over my knee, but I will wait. I will spank for a little while, making him really feel it, then stop so that I can hear that he understands why he is getting this. It's good for our communication to bring this out during the spanking. It may be somewhat hard for him, but it's good for him, and I enjoy it. I like to make him do things that are hard for him.

Third, he complains a lot while he is getting spanked. He says things like "It hurts! It hurts so much!" over and over. It's actually kind of funny to listen to: he seems surprised how much it hurts every time that we start a spanking, and he will say these sentences repeatedly. I laugh inside, but I respond too: I tell him that of course it hurts. It's meant to hurt. I tell him that it's ok, he can cry if it hurts a lot, that that will make him feel better. I tell him that crying will really let his feelings out.

(Evan rarely cries, however, unless I am truly annoyed with him, and he has let me down in some way. This is quite unusual for us / him. He has cried during a spanking a few times, but those were times when he felt very sorry for doing something that had hurt me or someone else. He has been generally well behaved for a long time now (probably because we are both so happy with each other) and so he hardly ever cries anymore.)

I will write a separate blog entry or two about the psychology of spanking at some point. Part of that topic concerns crying when getting spanked. Many people seem very interested in that topic.

For now, here are some more pictures of Evan getting his bottom reddened. Note the squirming: he really moves around. I like the fourth, fifth and sixth pictures here, where Evan has squirmed sideways so much that you see his penis. Although he started erect at the beginning of this spanking, his penis not close to being erect anymore, as we can see pretty clearly. A hard spanking always has that effect on him. I like to have Evan erect when we start, so that I have a clear barometer on how much he feels the spanking. I spank hard and long enough so that his erection is completely gone part way through.

As always, I appreciate your feedback: please leave comments, even just to say hello.


  1. Hi Deirdre,
    Wow, it must really hurt if Evan is moving that much. My spouse sometimes has me over her lap while she's seated in a chair, but has also found it effective to have me across her legs while she's seated on the bed.

    As for lecturing, I get that too. I find it very embarrassing when I have to tell her why I'm being spanked. It's hard to admit that my actions have landed me in this situation. It's especially uncomfortable if she has me standing before her, pants down and knowing what's coming

    Totally relate to the erection thing. Doesn't last long once the spanking starts.

    Nice post, as aways.

  2. Hmmmmm? I wonder why that is that so many of us disciplined men have such a hard time with the question/answer part of a punishment? I absolutely hate it and odd as it may seem, I draw a blank spot during this time and I really don't know what to say! I am normaly very quick witted otherwise but when I am standing in front of her knowing that I am about to be spanked I can't think of anything to say. When I do I hate having to say of the most embarrassing points in any spanking. Funny though, once I have been spanked with several dozen spanks and when she is asking what I have learned, I am quick with the answers! I have never understood those men that can remain erect throughout a spanking, I too am usually erect at the start but it quickly retreats once the spanking starts even though it may return afterwards. It really is hard to remain in position during a hard spanking with a paddle or hairbrush even though I am expected to do so with the threat of additional swats if I don't.Thanks for the post Ms. Deirdre.

  3. Love you blog! Evan is one lucky guy, even if (or more to the point) he can't sit down comfortably for a good while after an over-the-lap "discussion" from you.

    You guys are great!

  4. Hi Deidre,
    Thanks for writing about the way you talk during his spankings. Thanks for sharing the pictures too. I'm guessing that since he "likes" being spanked, he also "likes" having the revealing and embarrassing pictures shown. You two are great!

  5. Hi Deirdre.

    Thanks for a very interesting post. I am sometimes scolded before a spanking. Being asked why I am being spanked is something I often found embarrassing to answer - it is part of the punishment and humiliation ritual, and never gets any easier how many times it happens. I know from my own experiences that a hard spanking takes care of an erection - a sore bottom concentrates the mind!

  6. Think about it, here you are a grown man having his pants and underware taken down, standing infront of your wife who is sitting with a paddle in her hand, knowing you are about to be put over her knee and spanked on your bare bottom like a little boy is embarrassing and humiliating enough but to have to say why you are being spanked and basiclly ask to be spanked for it just strips away any male pride and you have to admit to yourself and her that what you did was wrong and that you earned this spanking. In the end though we realize it makes us better and we thank her for it

  7. Excellent photos ! Reading the comments it amazes me how many of these men react the same way. The issue of verbally admitting to the infractions that have brought him to stand before you.
    I love when he is over my lap, to feel the erection slowly disappear as i move from hand spanking to paddle or belt. When I feel him totally shriveled up I know that the swats I have given him are getting through.
    Recently after corner time, I ask again what he did that earned him the spanking. I am always amazed at how much easier it is then for Hank to admit what he has done wrong and more important what he intends to do to make amends.

  8. Hi

    I just discovered this blog, it's very cool. I am very interested in domestic
    female dominance and it's great to read on what it's like living such a lifestyle
    especially from the woman's perspective.

    In an older post you say "I know that men typically like pictures". Well I'm a
    man and I'm mostly indifferent to pictures although you do look hot in the
    pictures of yours you posted. I read such blogs mainly for a "fly on the wall"
    view of such a lifestyle. And I don't mean only the kinky stuff like spankings
    or managing a man's orgasms but even "mundane" stuff like how you organise
    household chores or make everyday decisions etc.

    So thank you for taking the time to write your blog, I'll be reading regularly.

  9. Hi Deirdre,
    You are doing a splendid job of keeping Evan in line. You did say before that you do not often cane him, but if ever you have pics of you caning him then PLEASE post them on this blog!!

  10. Perhaps I'm just the exception that proves the role but I find it surprising how many men who posted comments presume the reason for asking questions during a spanking is to further humiliate them. As a woman who always lectures and asks questions during a spanking, I can assure you that the desire to cause further embarrassment has never entered my mind.

    The reason I ask questions is to make sure my husband hasn't turned off his brain as a means of escaping the pain of the spanking which would also mean he isn't thinking about WHY he's being spanked. By forcing him to answer questions during the punishment, I am forcing him to stay mentally engaged and, hopefully, ensuring that he remains focused on his misbehavior and thus will not repeat it in the future. ("What did I tell you would happen if you didn't mow the lawn this weekend?" "How may times did I ask you?" "And if I ask you even once, shouldn't that be more than enough?" Etc)

    I appreciate that much of why a spanking works is the embarrassment it causes. However, in my experience, lecturing during the spanking serves a much more specific purpose.

  11. Hi all:

    Thank you very much for all the comments. I will respond to each individually:

    Rob says "it must really hurt if Evan is moving that much". Yes, it does hurt him. But that's the point, isn't it?

    Thanks for the compliments.

    wdspoone: I don't know if Evan is embarrassed by being asked questions during a spanking: I think he finds it hard to answer because he is focusing on dealing with the pain. In any case, he certainly doesn't like the questions. I will keep on asking questions during a spanking: I want him to focus on the reason for the spanking.

    anonymous max: thanks for the nice comment.

    Qarl writes: "I'm guessing that since he "likes" being spanked, he also "likes" having the revealing and embarrassing pictures shown."

    He is embarrassed by the photos, but he understands that it's all for the greater benefit of many if I post them. (And I like the photos.)

    Daniel: As I said above, I am not trying to humiliate Evan by asking him about the cause of his spanking. And I don't think that this humiliates him. It's just difficult for him to switch his attention to a different topic, while being spanked.

    aspankingcouple: I have the same reaction to your comment as to some of the others: my questions for Evan are not to humiliate him, and I don't think he is humiliated by the questions. (He might have a different reaction if other people could hear the spanking, however.)

    Hanks Sara: Thanks for reading, and I appreciate the comment.

    Mr. Poisson: I said that men typically like pictures, and I think that that statement is true. There are always exceptions to generalizations about classes of people, and I guess you are such an exception. I am an exception in the other direction: I am a woman, and I happen to like pictures.

    Dave Sparkles:

    Thanks for the positive comment. I have caned Evan a few times, but not recently. Maybe I will do it again, and film it and post some pictures for you sometime. As I said in an earlier post, I need practice with the cane before I trust myself to swing too hard.


    You are the first to respond who seems to have the same view as I do about why I talk to Evan while he is being spanked. Thanks very much for your input.

  12. Deirdre, I must admit I was with the other subs on this talking until I read Judith's comment. I like that much better. Thank you both for your instruction. ~rick

  13. As usual, a thoughtful and intelligent post and I LOVE the pictures, though I empathize with Evan's private being "on display." I find it interesting that you and other ladies enjoy the erection diminishing during the spanking; my situation is a bit different in that if I AM erect, at all, before a spanking, we "deal with it" before the first swat, usually by means of a 'ruined orgasm.' The moment I've been drained, it's panties down and the spanking begins and I find a spanking to be much more painful just after release. Just some thoughts from a guy who gets spanked and who thoroughly enjoys your comments. Thanks!


  14. Hi Deirdre and Judith, I don't think you are trying to humiliate evan, but you two are looking at it from a different perspective, so to speak. Yes you are asking questions to remind him of why he is being spanked, not to humilate him, but remember we are bare bottomed and getting spanked while the questions are being asked, so we tend to look at it a little different, remember we are not in a position to disagree with what ever you are saying, so that is what I mean by being humiliated, that whether we agree or disagree we are being spanked and will agree to anything at that point. Actual I liked your comments as I got to look at it from the other side. I hope this is part of why you started the blog to get a discussion going. Please ask any questions I will answer as honest as I can

  15. Hi rick:

    Thanks for the comment. I appreciate the positive feedback.

    Hi Mark:

    That's an interesting practice: ejaculating before a spanking. I have never had Evan ejaculate before a spanking, although the idea is interesting to me. So far, we haven't done that because we also practice a lot of tease and denial (more on that later in the blog) where I don't let him ejaculate very often. I find Evan is generally more submissive when I don't allow him frequent ejaculations. This is a pretty well understood phenomenon in many men, as far as I have read.

    However, I would still like to push him a lot further during a spanking by having him ejaculate first. I think I may have to have him tied down when I do that. (More on tying him down later in the blog too.) I don't think he would like that spanking at all, but he would certainly remember it. We would probably record that: I think it would be very entertaining at the time, and entertaining to watch later.

    Hi aspankingcouple:

    Yes, of course, we can have a discussion in the comments section.

    First of all, a minor point: Judith isn't spanking Evan, she is spanking her own husband (I assume). I am the only one who spanks Evan (so far).

    Second, I understand that men may react differently to being spanked, but my husband is a grown man, not a child, so I don't treat him like a child. (I would never spank a child, for example.) Evan certainly feels submissive when being spanked, but I don't think I can embarrass him by spanking him. We are a married couple, after all. I can make him feel bad for earlier behavior, and I can try to emphasize our domestic discipline relationship, but I don't think that he is humiliated at all before, during or after a spanking. I love Evan very much: I don't want him to feel bad about himself.

    Within the context of a healthy marriage (where both partners love and respect one another), I think that humiliation should play no role. Embarrassment, perhaps, but not humiliation. And embarrassment is difficult when only the couple is involved. For example, I can only embarrass my husband by interacting with others with respect to our spanking relationship.

    Thanks to all for your comments. There are some interesting discussions to have here.

  16. Dear aspankingcouple:

    I should add that it also possible that the meaning of "humiliate" is different for different people: for you and others "humiliate" may be close in meaning to "embarrass", whereas for me, "humiliate" is much stronger. So it is possible that we agree.

    Again, thanks for the comments. I always welcome useful discussion like this.

  17. I think we are far closer than the way I am expressing it. I am definitly not talking about putting a dish on the floor and eating out of it humiliation. I would refer to it as being made to stand in the corner with pants and underware around my ankles and a bright red bottom,especially if other people are there, you would call that embarrassing and I would call it humiliating, I think we are both talking about the same thing just using different terminalogy. My wife and I will be married 20 years in July and we love each other very much, her biggest concern when we started was that she was afraid that she would hurt me, so she would not want to do anything that would not make me happy.
    Also sorry for the confusion about Judith, I know she is not spanking Evan, just that she said the same thing so I responded to both at once
    If it makes you feel any better I will be sleeping on my stomach tonight
    With Respect

  18. There is and never was a doubt in my mind that the reason for the questioning was to focus my attention on it's neccessity and to drive home the lesson that my behavior was inappropriate and that it would not be tollerated. It is as important to her that I understand why I am going to be spanked as it is for her to be sure I understand it. That said....does it make it any less humiliating? Not in the least! On the same note, I am sure there are other aspects of a punishment spanking that are looked at differently between the man and the Woman?

  19. Hello Deirdre
    To change the subject, looking at the photo's I noticed that you spank the sit spot. My wife loves to hit that spot, that would be the bottom of the cheek and the top of the thigh, the spot that we sit on. One of her favorite things is to get me when I am leaving for work in the morning and to give me a spanking, this is because I have a 1 hour drive and because I get to think of her all day as I sit down. Do you aim for that spot so he will be reminded everytime he sits?

  20. Hi Deirde,

    The most insightful definition of humiliation I've come across, is the unmasking of pretension. In this sense, it is comic and sharply distinguished from those extreme situations (e.g. political discrimination, concentration camps) where people also sometimes describe their experience as humiliating, but more in terms of their own humanity not being recognized.

    And I definitely think that this lighter sense of the word can be used to describe someone's feelings even when there's only two people there. A spanking, especially when it includes scolding, makes it clear that no, the subordinate can not do what they want, or that yes, the other partner is the boss here, or that well, you get the idea. Scolding emphasizes that they are accountable to an authority figure, and not some independent actor. Making them answer questions forces them to acknowledge their being taught, that this isn't a beating that will pass like a storm, over and done, but more of a long term battle of wills, one they are losing. Now maybe that's all consciously recognized, but still, they misbehaved didn't they? We can all easily recognize authority figures but most of us have had the experience of being put in our place when we cross the line, whether as children, students or employees, and that's almost always embarrassing, even without a third party watching. Crying is even more humiliating as all of us believe that we have some control over how we present ourselves to other, and for someone else to display such control over our attitude and emotions is very humbling.

    Anyway, not looking to bore you to death here, just wanted to share some thoughts on why guys frequently describe this stuff as humiliating.

    Your blog is great, I love the focus on showing a typical couple that uses spanking to enhance the relationship. The disciplinary component stands out much more attractively when it is part of a functional, loving couple.

    While I appreciate all the pictures, the two with you holding the paddle are outstanding. You look both composed and forceful.

  21. Hi Randy:

    Sorry for the long time in responding. Regarding as to where I spank Evan (the "sit spot"?), I just aim to cover as much of his bottom and upper thighs that I can.

    Hi wdspoone:

    I am sure that there are many aspects of a punishment that are looked on differently between the punisher and punishee. We can explore that more soon, when I write more about my views on the psychology of spanking.

    Hi trj1:

    Thanks for the interesting comment regarding "humiliation". That's something to think about. I will write more about my opinions regarding the psychology of spanking in some later posts.

    And thanks for the nice comments regarding my pictures. I need to get Evan to take more of me, so that I can put them up. We have just been busy lately.

    Talk to you all soon,