Monday, November 22, 2010

Our spanking life is a journey, not a goal

This sounds cliche, but my life with Evan is a journey. There are no goals in this journey, but there is one basic rule: we love, respect and support each other, no matter what. I realize that this rule isn't a very spanking-oriented rule, but it applies to our spanking life as well as other parts of our life together.

The reason that I am saying this is that I often get asked how often I spank Evan and why don't I spank him more, or for some particular infraction. The answer to this kind of query is that you are thinking of our relationship wrong. There is no target number of spankings for us. We have tried this kind of thinking for our relationship in the past, but it creates additional unnecessary stress. By creating artificial goals, one will be disappointed if one does not achieve the goals. So we have adapted our spanking relationship over the years so that we have no goals other than to love, respect and support each other, no matter how many times I spank Evan. Sometimes it will be two or even three times in a single week. More typically, it will be once in a month or so. We do however many we do, and we greatly enjoy each other through all of them. It is this feeling of happiness resulting from being together that's the main reward for us, not meeting some arbitrary target number of spankings.

Having said all this, I identify with the comment from an anonymous reader, who yesterday said the following:

"Great to see you back!!! I've checked almost daily. My lady and I are considering a more formal spanking arrangement, where I have to agree to be spanked for certain offenses, and I have to give her some latitude. There will be times when I won't agree or am not in the mood to be spanked, but it's a matter of take it, or end the spanking relationship. I don't get to choose when I'm to be spanked. I'm a bit afraid of this, in a "normal" everyday relationship. I am headstrong, myself. I believe in fairness, and what if I really resent the implication that I am "wrong", when I fully believe I am not? I get to be spanked for it, regardless? I'm wondering how you, or others, handle this. It's one thing to fantasize about this kind of relationship; putting it into real-world practice is another. Ego's are involved. And emotions. Tread carefully, I suppose, huh..."

I have run into exactly this issue with Evan. He and I are both stubborn, and we are often sure that we are right, when we get into a disagreement. Neither one of us is good at letting the other have their way. In a spanking relationship, one would think that I should be allowed to make the decisions in these difficult situations. Eventually, maybe I will be able to have this control. And over time, it is more the case. We think it is a mistake to have ultimatums like "take it, or end the spanking relationship", as the commenter suggests. Both of us like what we get out of our spanking relationship, so why throw it away if we have a hard time agreeing at times? Over time, Evan is gradually becoming more submissive, and I have become more relaxed in my dominance. For us, we think that this is the solution. No ultimatums: just enjoy each other for who we are.

Here is a nice picture of contact. I probably enjoyed this when it happened more than Evan did.


  1. Deirdre,

    The first and ending part of this post is beautiful, thank you for this, amazing lines and well very moving.

    We are just starting out, and actually my wife likes once in a blue moon to go over my knee. But we take one day at a time, we do what feels right. Sometimes it is planned, others well just happens. But we do not press the issue. If one of us is not into it, we move on.

    I will tell you however since I have been over her knee, together our vanilla world is so easy. We get along, we talk more than ever and we handle the daily issues so much better. We are more in love now than ever!

    Thank you for this wonderful posting, it was beautiful.

    Much respect and regards,

  2. Thanks, Ron, that's so sweet. I really appreciate your kind remark.

    Evan and I wish the best for you and your wife.


  3. Thanks and it is a pleasure to read your blog, you two are amazing and thanks for sharing.


  4. Hi Deirdre,

    Welcome Back!! I missed you.

    I think that this post is wonderful, I would say that you two have it figured out. Making any one thing (except maybe devotion) the focus of a relationship is I would think not a good idea.

    I think that all relationships are unique, and also the spanking part of it. Each couple does what works for them. But if you’re the spankee I think that you should expect to get one now and then that you might feel is fair, but you take it with grace. After all, she may just be right and you probably didn‘t get a few that you should have.

    I also think that setting a time or interval is not a great idea, you do it when it is a good time to do it. Kind of like having sex, except both parties don’t necessarily have to agree, just the one with the paddle in her hand.

    In the first year of our relationship we got into our first heated argument. After it was all over she said that this may not be fair, and that I was no more to blame than she was, but she thought it was a good idea to give me a spanking. After thinking it over I agreed. One thing that resulted in was fewer arguments.

    Anyway I’m glad you’re back and I appreciate you sharing your wonderful life with us.


  5. Deirdre,

    Well said, I think the love, respect and communication is so important for both parties in a spanking relationship. You are the spanker, and that is a good thing, but you are also a loving, caring, compassionate disciplinarian, which to me is a very desirable combination. Evan is a very lucky guy!