Friday, November 16, 2012

chastity, female control, and real life

Hi everyone:

Deirdre has asked me to write about the topic of chastity, female control in a relationship, and real life.  This is an interesting and complex topic.  I started writing this post several months ago, and since then, my relationship with Deirdre has changed a lot, such that she is now in total control, and we both prefer it this way.  Anyway, here is what I wrote a few months ago, with some comments along the way updating the way I feel.

1. Background: our fit as a couple

As Deirdre has described, it was always my fantasy to be dominated by my partner, and to have her spank me and sexually control me as she pleased.  This is a pretty common male fantasy (and probably a common submissive fantasy among many women,  too).  Finding a compatible partner is sometimes difficult, but I have a very compatible partner in Deirdre: she happens to be dominant, and she likes to be in control of everything, as much as possible.  She is very organized, and she likes things done her way.  Furthermore, she really likes sex in many variations: she has tried a lot of things, and she is usually happy to try something new.  Early in our relationship, when I mentioned the idea that it is my fantasy to have my partner control me sexually and otherwise in life, she was excited by and supportive of the idea.  She likes both the idea of dominating me sexually and the idea of leading the relationship in all other ways.  So she has always been supportive of this proposal.

2. If I am not sexually charged up (basically I need to not have orgasmed in a while, so that I am backed up with semen) I don't always do what Deirdre wants.

However, as Deirdre mentioned in a recent post, I don't always play by the rules that I want to agree to.  In particular, I don't always do what she says, and I also have not always agreed to the punishments that she has laid out for me.  For example, we may disagree about some home topic.  She may want it done one way, and I may want it done another.  It doesn't matter what the topic is.  Perhaps I was right about the best way to do it, and perhaps she was: it doesn't matter. What matters is that we have sometimes had an agreement that I should submit to her wishes in these kinds of scenarios, but when they occurred, I didn't always do so.

(I wrote this a while ago: this doesn't seem to be true anymore.  I now do what Deirdre says pretty much all the time, whether or not I am sexually charged up.  Her attitude is what changed everything: now if I disagree with her, she tells me bluntly to make sure that I am respectful of her and her opinion at all times, or she will spank me right away.  This usually works, but if not, she grabs my hair or ear and then makes sure that I listen to her point of view.  From my point of view, her new strict attitude has been the determining factor over the past few months.)

3. Possible solutions

There are several possible solutions: one extreme is to drop the idea of female control, and use a more balanced approach to our life together; another extreme is to find some way to make female control possible: to make it so that I will be able to follow her instructions at all times.

(A third solution, that I didn't see as possible at the time, is that Deirdre could take a much stricter attitude toward me.  This is what has happened, and so far it looks like our issues are solved.)

4. An obvious solution: male chastity

This issue has occurred many times in many other attempted female-led relationships, and a standard solution is for the female in the relationship to control the male's orgasms.  The principle on which this works is that men who haven't ejaculated in a while will more readily obey their partners.  I am certainly one of these men: when I haven't ejaculated in a couple of days, I will do almost anything that Deirdre asks of me, sexual or not.  So we have tried male chastity as a way to facilitate the female-led relationship that we both want.

5. Achieving male chastity, attempt 1: Using the CB-2000

The first method we tried for keeping me from ejaculating was by using the CB-2000, a popular chastity device from a few years ago.  This seemed good in principle, but it wasn't great in practice.  First, it's quite uncomfortable to wear under your clothes, and it's hard to work out while wearing it.  Second, it didn't really hold me in: there was no setting that we could find such that I couldn't slip my penis out, and then back in again, if I wanted to do so.  The problem was roughly that my penis could really shrink back up into my body when it was uncomfortable over a long period, and then it could always come out again, above the device.  Third, it was really uncomfortable to sleep in.  Whenever I started to get an erection at night, I would be awakened by the straining against the device, because it was not possible to be erect inside it.  And then I would get a lousy sleep as a result.

We tried the CB-2000 off and of for a few weeks / months, over a period of a couple of years.  Although we both still like the idea in principle of Deirdre being completely in control of my sexuality, so that I can't orgasm without her playing a part in it, the CB-2000 didn't do that for us.  It was uncomfortable, and it didn't actually stop me from masturbating: it just made it more difficult to do so.  It was not satisfactory for long-term use for us, so we abandoned it.  (I didn't masturbate when it was in use -- because Deirdre and I had agreed that I wouldn't -- but the CB-2000 wasn't stopping me from doing so.)

6. Achieving male chastity, attempt 2: Using the honor method
In order to achieve male chastity, I now simply avoid masturbating.  Fortunately, I have a very supportive partner in Deirdre: most of the time, she would like me not to masturbate, so that she has more control over me; but she is very understanding of a deep need for sexual relief.  She has had times in her life when she wanted to masturbate all the time, and so she understands the need / desire to masturbate, and to look at porn.  So she was never upset with me if I ever strayed and masturbated when I was not supposed to.  That was very supportive of her.  Rather than be upset, she would just encourage me not to masturbate in the future.

Over time, I have realized that the way to avoid masturbating is to avoid looking at sexual material whenever possible.  As long as I don't look at much porn, then I won't have as much of a need to masturbate.  (I also think that my sex drive has dropped with age over the past few years, which helps in avoiding masturbating.)  I can now simply avoid masturbating by just not touching myself at all, and not looking at porn.  This might not have been possible for me when I was younger, but now it seems to be possible.

7. Chastity and real life for horny men: A bad fit
Even though I can remain chaste for long periods without masturbating, the problem is that when I don't have sexual release for a long while (which now means a few days), all I think about is sex.  This is kind of a fun state to be in, but it's impractical in the real world.  It means that in Deirdre's words, I am a bit of an idiot in this state.  I don't do much work, and all I want to talk to her about is serving her or doing something for her.  She likes this, but she sees that it's not practical: I need to think for my living, and my employers wouldn't appreciate the chaste version of me working for them.  Someday Deirdre and I may take a few months off from work (or at least I will), and then she can have me as her personal slave / pet during that period.  I think we would both really like that.  She says that when we get around to that, she may buy a big cage to keep me in part time: she would like to see me suffer when she knows she has me to herself for a long period.  But at the moment we have real-world commitments that we must keep.  So for the time being, she keeps me in temporary states of chastity, just enough so that she can get me to do what she likes a lot of the time.  But she also lets me orgasm every now and then, to clear the pipes, so I can't get some serious work done each week or two.

Final comments: For us, the goal of male chastity was to achieve a female-led relationship in which I would always listen to Deirdre.  We have found a different path to that goal: through Deirdre's much increased strictness.  Consequently, chastity is no longer a goal in our relationship.  Deirdre now stops me from orgasming over long periods just for her own amusement, not because it makes me more subservient to her.  This dynamic works well for both of us.

Best wishes to all,



  1. Replies
    1. Hi Jack:

      Well, Deirdre did edit it. But I wrote it...

      Weird comment!


    2. Obedient_Hubby here.
      "Jack," this couple is generously sharing their intimate experiences and deep feelings with us. Your comment is disrespectful to either or both of them, to say the least, regardless of who wrote or who edited. The whole idea here is that a married couple is expressing love for each other, and are unified in their information to us, in a way the readers of this board should admire, not criticize.

  2. i for one have tried chastity with a former partner and it did work for us, although as you said it does make it difficult to concentrate at work when you are sexually aroused all the time and have not masturbated in weeks/months - But after awhile your brain gets rewired not to think about sexual stuff and i for one found that i actually got more work done after that initial adjustment period - I also tried the CB-3000 and never had a problem with my penis coming out, but since it is hard plastic, it is not comfortable so we got the bird cage type one that is soft surgical material and it worked great - Now i just wish as i said to Deirdre once, to find a true woman like her
    john from Baltimore

  3. Evan

    Just an amazing and well thought out post, thank you for this as it sheds so much light into the thinking and well planning for your rleationship. Excellent, thought provoking and well down to earth post. I thank you for this and cherish both your and your beautiful lady's insight. Wow, have fun, stop squirming on her lap and well just take your amazing relationship to the next level.
    Love the commentary

  4. Hi Evan
    Great post. Your insight about Deirdre’s strictness is enormously important to those who live the lifestyle. My wife was strict from the start and so we avoided some of the back and forth you apparently experienced. That strict attitude and commitment to consistent discipline is the catalyst that allows males to do what they really want to do and that is obey and submit to the authority of our lovers and disciplinarians. We want discipline but we can’t discipline ourselves without that no nonsense sense of command from our wives. And the effects of strictness are cumulative. The stricter our wives are the more we obey them and the more they spank us the better we behave. So bravo to you for expressing that so well.
    On chastity (controlling masturbation) my experience has been different than yours. We never understood controlling my orgasms as a way to produce obedience although I know many seem to do that. For us it was more of a control issue (her controlling my cock and what I do with it) and also she believes male masturbation is selfish and a way men duck intimacy and vulnerability. Over several months using mostly spanking and some psychological techniques she has brought unauthorized masturbation down to once or twice a year. It wasn’t necessarily something I would want to go through again but I am glad she did it and I have become more focused and even confident of the new self- control I have gained. So chastity is a complicated issue that maybe each couple need to work out for themselves. Thanks again for a provocative post and a terrific blog


  5. Thanks Evan for this wonderful and informative post. As the husband of a strict wife myself I always value the opinion of other men with this type of relationship. Dianne and I are fairly new to the FLR lifestyle and really enjoy reading blogs such as this one and others from people who practice this style of relationship. Being fairly new to this, these type of post are very informative and also gives us new ideas and insights. You and Deidre are great for sharing with the rest of us and it is truly appreciated. Again thanks for this well thought out and detailed perspective on your relationship. Keep up the great work.
    Bob S.


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