Saturday, October 20, 2012

Demanding control from a difficult submissive man


Hi all:

In looking for resources regarding real female dominant relationships, I came across the following website, for women in submissive relationships to men:

takeninhand.com

This is a great site.  It's full of love from each partner to the other.  I found that if I read this site substituting man for woman / husband for wife and vice versa, then it fits perfectly for us.

Here is their opening blurb, with my substitutions put in:

"Welcome to Taken In Hand, a website about wholehearted sexually-exclusive marriages in which the wife is firmly in charge (to her husband's delight!)—and she always puts her husband and their relationship first. Putting him and the relationship first is the key to creating a marriage in which the woman is in control in a good, healthy and sustainable way. Taken In Hand husbands tend not to claim to be submissive (though their wives may well consider them to be so) but they do respect, honour and appreciate their wives and strive to please them."

The site is great: it talks about it is good in many taken-in-hand relationships for the dominant to spank the submissive to keep him in line.  It also discusses bondage, which we haven't done as much of: only so far as tying Evan to the spanking bench to take a hard spanking.

A critical insight that I was able to get  from the website is that Evan is in fact a true submissive.  I had been thinking that Evan wasn't really submissive in his true nature, because he used to seem to only do what I wanted in certain circumstances, not all.  He would especially not do what I wanted when it was difficult for him, in that what I wanted was different from what he wanted.  In other circumstances (when he didn't have a strong opinion, which is much of the time) he would do what I wanted.  But for example, if I asked to behave better in certain circumstances (like getting angry in traffic) he would ignore me and do as he was already doing, much to my displeasure.  So I thought that maybe he is someone who is really an underlying dominant alpha-male personality, but who wants some superficially submissive things done to him.

But in reading the takeninhand website, I have discovered that he has just been testing me all this time.  He would probably have done whatever I wanted, but I needed to be much more forceful in my demands of his behavior.  The problem was that I wasn't demanding control nearly forcefully enough: he was testing me, looking for limits, looking for severity and strictness, and I always backed down.

In fact, I think Evan is very submissive: he just needs a strict wife to guide him.  He was basically acting like a child, and I needed to take the role of a firm wife (like a parent in a way), who tells him when he is behaving badly, and that he should behave well right then, or face some serious consequences.

I now realize that I have a great gift. In order to use it, I have to be forceful and confident in looking after him, and then he will do as I ask, exactly as I ask.  So, I was wrong: he doesn't just want to top from the bottom.  He really wants to be the bottom.  He just needs me to lead strongly.  I have been doing so for the past couple of months, and it has been working out amazingly well.  We basically never fight anymore: if he starts to get grumpy about something, I remind him to behave and be respectful and kind.  And if he doesn't change quickly, I tell him he will pay for that later, over my knee.  Consequently, I have been spanking Evan a lot recently.  He gets spanked at least twice a week now.  He really dislikes the spankings, but the knowledge that he is getting one changes his attitude quickly: he tries hard to appease me to get out of the spanking. Sometimes this works, but more often than not, I give him a hard spanking to keep him on good behavior.

(And in answer to a commenter, yes, I always spank on the bare bottom, using some implement (never my hand).  Most often my purse paddle, pursey.)

Anyway, the key point of this post is the insight that I got from takeninhand.com that Evan really is a submissive: I just need to be strict with him to get the most out of him.  He won't be submissive if I ask him to do things that he doesn't want to, but he will do them when I tell him forcefully to do so.

Here are a couple more still photos from Evan's recent trip on our bench.

And FYI, Evan still hasn't had an orgasm, even since this spanking.  I milked his prostate while he was on the bench (collecting a lot of semen / prostatic fluid: over 5mls!).  But I did not let him orgasm that night or since, so that he has now not ejaculated in 19 days.  I think we will go for at least a month before he gets a release.  I am not sure what his "record" is in this regard, but I think 3 weeks is about it.  So a month should be a new record.

But I am not sure about this: I don't have firm plans here.  (Moreover, don't worry about me: I have had several sexual releases in this time frame: Evan is an expert with his tongue.  And I even have him fuck me for a while too each time, after he licks me to orgasm.  We don't do that very long however, because I don't want any accidents.  Fortunately, Evan takes a lot of stimulation in order to achieve orgasm, so I am not very worried about accidents.)

Talk to you all later,

Deirdre


Just getting started: pursey the paddle makes its impact

Now here's a hard spank to the other cheek.  You can already see the red mark on the right.  And that erection won't last long: it's already shrinking!

32 comments:

  1. i want to say Poor Evan but i also think to myself that he is really a lucky guy. to evan, hang in there and when you do orgasm it will probably be the greatest you ever had. Ms Deirdre, it is so wonderful that the two of you have such a wonderful and exciting relationship. the both of you are very blessed.. I am loving the pictures, thank you for posting them and the new part of the relationship is very interesting to read about.
    again thank you for sharing your lives.

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    1. Hi Tommy:

      Thanks for the comment!

      I am not sure about orgasms for Evan though... I used to think that he needed them to work efficiently at his work (where he has to do a lot of thinking), but I am no longer sure that this is true. He seems to be coping well without any sexual relief in the last 3 weeks. I will milk him again soon, but I don't know when I will let him orgasm again.

      Don't feel bad for him: he is happier than ever. He enjoys his strict wife (as he should).

      Deirdre

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  2. You two have got what it takes it seems to have a long and fulfilling marriage. I would have said from the outset that your husband is submissive, if he can stand those long paddlings you give him and return for more whenever you say so.
    Now that it is established who is HoH, I would think that your relationship is on a much more stable footing and his behaviour in public and private will be a credit to you. He can still be strong and manly; just better behaved and more in control of himself. I am sure he will be a rising star in his job and much more pleasant to the women at work. Have a good time and keep those paddle strokes hard.
    By the way - is it time he was sent for a back, crack and wax?

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    1. Thanks, Michael! We also think that we will be happy for a long time to come.

      Regarding "back, crack and wax" I have never heard that term, but I assume you are referring to the hairiness of his ass. Yes, I want to clean that up sometime. That will be a treat for him someday. Or maybe mostly for me.

      Deirdre

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  3. I am surprised that you would think you are not forceful and confident but then again I am not in the room, your spankings are sound and you are forceful from what I read. Amazing that he gets spanked so much, am totally jealous ma'am and wow, that is a long time not to ejaculate especially if he gets to fuck you a tad but also gets to lick you to orgasm, that is incredible and must be heavenly for him.
    You continue to amaze and inspire ma'am, thank you sharing and thank you for being the hot and wonderful and I still think forceful and confident otk spanker that you are.

    Always
    Ron

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    1. Hi Ron:

      Well, I have always been forceful and confident. This is true. The problem in dealing with Evan is that he is also forceful and confident, and he is bigger and older than me, so it has taken a lot from my inner confidence to realize that I can tame him the way I want to. This is only a recent realization. And it seems to be much easier than I thought.

      Regarding his having to wait indefinitely to ejaculate, well, he behaves better when he doesn't ejaculate, so that's the way it will be for a while. We will try it out until it doesn't work. Then we can try other things.

      All the best to you to Ron,

      Deirdre

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    2. Ma'am,

      All the best to you ma'am!

      You continue to inspire me, what an amazing response. I never knew nor would I that Evan physically is who he is and of course emotionally he is forceful as well. But to me that is what make laying over a confident and sexy lap so attractive. Just a tremendous contradiction of style and life. Being Evan is who he is must be totally hot for you to have him be so submissive to his lap, wow, that is just what the scene is all about. Have you ever discussed his "role" in life vs his "role" over your knee, must be very stimulating for Evan.

      Sorry rambling a bit but an amazing relationship and life style, Evan is a very lucky but obviously loving man with you.

      Thank you ma'am

      Always
      Ron

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  4. Hi Deidre
    Thanks for still another thoughtful and insightful post. I do believe there are two levels of submissive among men who want and need discipline. One level represented by Evan possesses a lot of traditional male macho aggressive qualities and need very firm guidance and direction from their wives. Without firm consistency they will resist and rebel, but deep inside they want their women to control them and even measure how much she cares by how firm she is. Part of this dynamic is that this type of submissive maintains in the real world much of the traditional take charge style many women like and expect. So he has to be taken into obedience and submission by a strong woman who demands compliance. You posted earlier about discovering the power of ear pulling and hair pulling. For me one early girlfriend would assertively take down my pants and put me in the corner before spanking me to get me into an obedient mode. But whatever you do, some firm and commanding action works miracles. The other type of submissive is very different from Evan. They are easier to control and accept punishment without much resistance. They also probably require less punishment to achieve the same ends. I am still surprised after years of spanking experience that many women don’t understand the power they have with submissive men and so back off when they meet resistance or defiance. You obviously have learned to meet resistance with firmness and I think you are on your way (both of you really) to a relationship most people only dream about having

    Alan

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    1. Dear Alan:

      Yes, I find it so interesting that Evan is a closet submissive, in the second class that you define above. No one would ever suspect this in his job or the rest of his life, since he is such an alpha male elsewhere.

      I think that his submissiveness is driven a lot from his relationship with his mother, who was always there, but was not warm and loving to him. Rather she was tough and strict with him, in a positive way. I think that this may be where he gets his need to be spanked and told what to do. Some people think that this need is innate, but that seems implausible to me: I can't see an evolutionary function for this kind of need.

      Like other women you have encountered, I also didn't understand the power I could have over Evan until very recently. It's so interesting and fun to be his dominant wife.

      Deirdre

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  5. Dear Deirdre,

    This post speaks to the situation between my wife and me. I am going to show it to her and see what she says. I hope that she will come to understand as you did that what I really want from her is to dominant and strict with me. Thank you.

    Walter

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    1. Dear Walter:

      Good luck! If you need help from me, let me know. I am happy to work with your wife so that she can understand you better. Have her email me if you like.

      Deirdre

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  6. Keeping him under orgasm control will make him much more receptive to your domination.

    Keep controling his orgasm and you will control him.

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    1. Dear Anon:

      Yes, I have read this, and tried it with some limited success in the past. However, we haven't practiced full orgasm control until very recently, because Evan has found in the past that too few orgasms seemed to have made him less productive at work, which I don't want. Since I have recently become very strict with him, however, it seems that he can be productive without orgasming often. It's been 3 weeks now, and it doesn't seem to be a problem. Part of the reason for him needing fewer orgasms is that he gets spanked a lot now: 2-3 times per week at the moment. These often happen near bedtime, and that quietens his erection and whining about needing to orgasm entirely.

      We'll see how this works in the long run.

      Deirdre

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  7. Poor Evan,
    You lucky guy, you!
    -ricky

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    1. That's right: don't feel sorry for Evan. He is more content than ever.

      Deirdre

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  8. I usually make my husband go many months without an orgasm (a couple of occasions have been longer than a year). He will whine and act horny for a month or two. He adjusts though, especially if I spank away any behavior that is too whiney or too horney.

    If you keep him from ejaculating for extended periods of time I'd guess you'd have a very well behaved boy (but there would still be plenty of reasons to spank). You could get him to do all of your household cleaning and other domestic tasks. You could sit back and be pampered like you deserve.

    Best wishes,

    Jennifer

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    1. Dear Jennifer:

      Thanks for the advice. That's basically what I am doing: spanking away the whiney behavior. I am most concerned about his productivity at work when he doesn't orgasm. So far, it seems to be just fine. I will be monitoring as I progress.

      Evan already does the household chores, and he cooks also. So I already have a good husband.

      Thanks for the comment! I hope you may consider commenting more in the future: I like to get women's points of view (in addition to the horny submissive men).

      Deirdre

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  9. Great analysis. I think I'm on the same wavelenght as Even. Deep down I'm submissive and I need that kind of autoritarian guidance and direction (as Alan so eloquently says) to behave in the acceptable manner, otherwise I revert to type, which is a rather lazy and inattentive, selfish male. Like you said about your experiences with Evan, if Mistress asks I tend to behave poorly but the minute she adopts a strictere demeanor, then I jump to it. It's not that I'm deliberately trying to force an issue and misbehave to get a reaction but, as you suggest, it's more subconcious acceptenace of Mistress's authority once she adopted a stricter attitude and, like Evan, deep down I enjoy being a bottom.

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    1. Dear RM:

      Thanks for the feedback. Yes, I think I really have figured out my man's psyche. I used to think it was so confusing, but now I think it makes a lot of sense.

      Deirdre

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  10. Dear Deirdre,
    Obedient Hubby here.
    Aunt Kay of the Disciplinary Wives Club has quite a bit on her site about how a wife can evolve from merely “accommodating” her husband’s fantasies and/or meeting her own erotic needs, and use spanking for effective “results.” Your wonderful blog has, over the past few months, captured the desired evolution in real time before our eyes. It is a testament to your strength and wisdom and a real lesson in how to take charge, even when the signals or feedback seem to say that the husband does not want the “real” discipline and submission. It is very interesting, actually awe inspiring, to review and repeat your words which plainly describe the progressive shift in power in your marriage as it was actually happening.

    On August 29, 2012, you wrote: “On several occasions, I have tried to spank him when he disobeys, but that doesn't always work: he often resists. If we are going to be a true wife-led couple, then he needs to submit when *I* say so. But he doesn't always do so. There are times when we have disagreed on a course of action, and so I told him that he should obey me or get a spanking. At those times, he neither obeyed me nor took the spanking. Granted, I wasn't always perfectly reasonable or 100% in the right, but it made our goal of being a female-dominant couple difficult: at these times, we were not succeeding. (Or I should say: Evan was not succeeding: he takes responsibility for these failures.)”

    On September 8, you wrote: “If your man is fit and in good health, he can take a good, hard spanking with the back of a hairbrush on his bare bottom. I recommend using a simple wooden hairbrush or wooden bath brush. A thick one is better than a thin one: a thin one may break surprisingly easily. . . He may have some fantasy that he is trying to get you to act out for him. Tell him that you understand that he has all these fantasies inside him, but if he wants it to be good with *you*, then he will have to let you lead your way, whatever that may be. Keep in mind that things will grow and change rapidly over the first few times that you spank him. Don't try to get it "perfect" the first time. It will grow and be better as long as you communicate well with each other, and as long as you don't try to make each other into something that you're not. Try to reassure him that you will do your best, but tell him that you will do what's comfortable for you too.”

    Along the way, passing comments of chilling strictness: “I tend to prefer *not* to break the skin if possible. That used to be a sort of a limit for me (no broken skin) but later, I decided it was arbitrary, so I don't mind if I do it every now and then.”

    On September 16, you wrote: “So far, I have been amazed at the power I have over him when I grab his ear or hair: he calms right down, and apologizes! If I had only known this years ago, I would have been doing this for years. I guess that is getting ahead of ourselves, because we don't know if this will work in the long term. But for the short term -- over the past 2 weeks -- it has been great. Evan is far better behaved, and so far, he says he has been working more efficiently too. So for us, it appears to be working.”

    October 20 you write, with the telling title “Demanding control from a difficult submissive man”: “The problem was that I wasn't demanding control nearly forcefully enough: he was testing me, looking for limits, looking for severity and strictness, and I always backed down.” And the ultimate accomplishment: “I just need to be strict with him to get the most out of him. He won't be submissive if I ask him to do things that he doesn't want to, but he will do them when I tell him forcefully to do so.”

    Wow!

    O.H.

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    1. The issue of a man being a submissive is hard to define, I know that I myself often feel the need for my girlfriend to spank me. I am grateful for her pushing me to accept more than I can comfortably bear, but I am not particularly submissive in day to day decisions. When I hear her voice proclaiming, "You have earned a thrashing, for your crazy eating habits and procrastinating, and not setting aside time for relaxation with me and for me. Go upstairs and shower, and come back down here nude within 5 minutes bring the cane and the paddle!" I tremble but also feel relief. I feel she can protect me from my own mistakes.

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    2. Dear OH:

      Thanks for the nice summary of my growing strictness toward Evan. It's been fast and fun, and surprisingly easy.

      Yes, Evan and I have met Aunt Kay (and she has actually spanked Evan, along with me, a few years ago). But way back then I didn't understand how to fully take charge of Evan. It's been a very interesting progression, just in the past couple of months.

      Deirdre

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    3. Dear Andrew:

      Thank you for your comment. Yes, I think I understand boys like you now.

      Deirdre

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  11. The more I see of pursey the more I can understand why Evan hates the feel of it. I believed you that it hurt but after seeing that angry red mark on his right cheek after one swat there is know doubt that little paddle stings and you know how to expertly use it. As I've said before I've just given total control to my wife in our relationship in the last few months and our marriage has never been better. She keeps me in check like you do Evan now. But I am curious about why you keep him from having an orgasm. Is this for punishment or some other reason? My wife Dianne sometimes has me orgasm prior to my spanking so I don't get any sexual gratification from the spanking at all.
    Bob S.

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    1. Dear Bob:

      I have been keeping Evan from orgasming because he is more attentive when he has a lot of sexual buildup. I understand the conflict between wanting a spanking to hurt as much as possible, and wanting to keep him sexually frustrated. At the moment I am experimenting with long-term sexual denial, to see how he reacts to it. So far it has been 3 weeks, and I think I will keep him like this for at least another couple of weeks. But if that goes well, I am not sure I will give him an orgasm then: I just don't know how it will progress at this point. All I can tell you is that he behaves best when he is backed up, so I think I would like to see how this goes long term.

      Your wife should try this on you to see how she likes it!

      Deirdre

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  12. Hi Deidre,
    My name is Dianne and I am Bob's wife. Yes the Bob right above my post here. This is my first time posting on your site but I have kept up with your blog and paying special attention to what Bob comments. You replied in your last post that I should restrain him to a bench and take him beyond his limits and I think that is a wonderful idea. He is right I am in total control and he must obey me at all times. I still value his opinions as my husband but the ultimate decision belongs to me. I'm fairly new at this but he said it's what he wanted and so he's getting it even if he's having second thoughts now. Julie has helped me out so much and I will make the same deal with you as I have her. If Bob ever offends you on here in any way please let me know and I will let you decide his punishment. Keep up the great work. I wished I had figured out years ago how it makes things so much better when I take charge.
    Dianne

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    1. Dear Dianne:

      Thank you for commenting on my blog. As I said above, I really like to hear from other women, so that's for commenting! (I also like to hear from the boys, so please keep commenting, too, boys!)

      Bob has been nothing but sweet to me. So I don't have any reason to punish him whatsoever.

      However, if you are looking to punish for no good reason (which is good for my boy, as I am sure it is for yours too), I suggest you try orgasm denial on Bob, as I am now trying on Evan. Have you ever done this? I bet your boy Bob is horny all the time. Well, I suggest not letting him orgasm for a week or more, and see how that goes. If he becomes whiney and begs for release, that is a good time for a hard spanking to get rid of the erection. He will soon learn not to beg for release. So if you are taking suggestions, I would like to hear that Bob is sexually denied for at least a week, and I would love to hear how it goes. If it goes ok for you Dianne, then I suggest moving the time up to a month, as I am with Evan. Evan knows better than to complain too much: he gets spanked hard if he whines.

      Keep me posted on whether you might do this! And thanks for commenting.

      Deirdre

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  13. i figure iam more submissive around female and would be more willing to be one to accept and get the spankings from strict female like yourself i would get nervous if she tell me i been bad and need good spanking i owuldnt argue i would just let her spank me casue i owuld agree i need punish but i think iam also willing able to speak up for myself and am strong person but i need good spanking every now and then

    Mike
    madison ohio

    http://www.ipunishment.com/profile/mikelovespankings
    my spanking profile

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    1. Thanks for your feedback, Mike! Good luck in finding a partner to paddle your bottom as you deserve.

      Deirdre

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  14. ya welcome Deirde for the feedback i just feell ike i have tell strict female like yourself i would obey you and accept your spankings when iam bad

    thanks again for good luck in finding a partner to paddle my bottom good. do you have any advice how i should bring this up to females i want spanked? everything i try seem to fail


    Mike
    Madison Ohio

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  15. My wife and I also practice domestic discipline.
    She, like you is strict with me and the spankings I receive are not something to look forward to.
    Her favorite implement is an 18 inch rubber strap that is by far the most severe implement I've ever been spanked with.
    We would both be interested in sharing with you.

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    1. Share away! Send me the strap, and I will use it on Evan's bottom.

      Deirdre

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