Sunday, September 16, 2012

A shifting dynamic: Turning into a stricter wife

Evan and I seem to be going through a great period in our marriage: we are both very happy right now.  I think that this contentment is a result of a lot of recent communication, and some changes that we have made.  I will elaborate here and in some posts to come.

As I had written fairly recently, we hadn't been as Deirdre-led as I would have liked over the past couple of years.  But life is a process, not a goal, and so I was happy with what we had, which was wonderful, even if not always bump-free.  However, I could tell that Evan seemed to be less excited by the female-led component of our life than he used to be, so I opened a dialogue, where we could talk about what would make it better.  I was surprised to hear that he would like me to lead him more than I had been doing.  What he meant by this is that he would like me to be more "strict" with him when he misbehaves in some way, in my view.

His misbehaving isn't a frequent event, but sometimes he is stressed at work over something or other, and he can take it out on me (like many people do).  What he was asking me to do is to draw his attention to these events, and tell him off strictly at the time that they occur, with the goal of lowering the frequency of these events.  At least, that would be my goal for my new strictness.  From his perspective, he likes the idea of a strict wife.

We talked about his motivation for wanting a strict wife.  According to him, it's twofold: (1) he is very excited by the idea (in principle); and (2) he hoped that he would accomplish more goals in his life with some external motivation.  We also talked about why it is that he is turned on by having a strict wife.  I think that it's hard to know for sure, because it's hard to have conscious access to the sources of what interest us and excite us in our personal psychology.  But he has a plausible source of this desire in him: his mother was quite strict with him growing up.  Not only did she spank him on occasion (with a wooden spoon, applied hard to his bare bottom; just a few hard spanks for a misbehaving child), but she also was strict with him in other ways, in the way that she raised him more generally.  Frankly, it doesn't sound like how I would raise a child.  I would never strike a child, and from his description, there wasn't enough cuddling and open affection in Evan's childhood.  But that's what Evan got, and he's not upset with his mother at all for this.  It's how he was raised, and so it's all he knew while growing up.  He can't change what he got, and it made him who he is.  It's up to him and me to enjoy him for who he is: a grown man who likes to have a strict wife.

Anyway, I listened to all this, and I agreed to give it a try.  What I am now doing is taking a strict tone with Evan when he misbehaves in some way.  What this means practically is that I grab his ear or some of his hair on the side of his head, and I talk to him forcefully about how I want him to change his behavior, right at the time that he is acting up.  Let me give you an example.  While stuck in traffic (something that he hates) he started talking to me in a slightly rude tone one morning.  I knew that he was annoyed at the traffic (which was stopped), and this was a likely cause for his cranky tone.  But I wanted him to not talk to me like that.  So I quickly grabbed his ear, turned it a little, and told him not to talk to me that way, and apologize.  So far, I have been amazed at the power I have over him when I grab his ear or hair: he calms right down, and apologizes!  If I had only known this years ago, I would have been doing this for years.  I guess that is getting ahead of ourselves, because we don't know if this will work in the long term.  But for the short term -- over the past 2 weeks -- it has been great.  Evan is far better behaved, and so far, he says he has been working more efficiently too.  So for us, it appears to be working.

In addition, the ear-grab trick seems to work so far, even for getting him over my knee.  I will elaborate on this more in my next post.



24 comments:

  1. Hi seems like you guys are getting on top of the boy's needs and wants. I hope he is suitably grateful for such a fun Mistress. Great image of some hot buns over your knee. Hope you have a good weekend.

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    1. Dear Michael:

      Yes, Evan is very grateful for what I give him. And vice versa.

      I am learning to take what he gives more easily now. He is going to be serving me a lot more in the near future. Win-win, I guess!

      Thanks for commenting, as always.

      Deirdre

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  2. Hi Folks - great to see you posting again, and pleased that you have such an understanding relationship. Would love to see more otk photos. Curious to know why your knees have been pixilated out of this shot? Best wishes. Ceegee

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    1. Hi Anon:

      I will post some more otk photos soon. What we need is a photographer. But now the spankings happen quickly, unplanned. I can't have a photographer around 24/7. Oh well. I guess we will make do for some planned spanking video captures.

      Regarding the pixelation, that's because something that I was wearing was kind of unique, and potentially identifiable.

      Deirdre

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  3. Oh! I plan to try the ear grab in public! Thanks for the idea.

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    1. Dear Queen K:

      Yes, the ear-grab is very easy and satisfying. My boy is in clear distress when I do this to him, but he listens closely to me while I have his ear twisting in my hand. What power! It's so fun.

      I have already done this in public (at a Home Depot) but not yet around Evan's friends or his work. I say "yet" because it is inevitable that the time will come there too, soon. It's just too easy and fun not to do it everywhere.

      Deirdre

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  4. Ms. Deirdre,

    What you wrote makes a lot of sense. Many of us seek caring in the way we were brought up. I applaud you for meeting Evan's needs, and am glad for you that you're finding enjoyment and fulfillment in your activities (and I hope I'm not overstating your reaction).

    I think the ear grab is very effective with (us) naughty men.

    Michael_Michael,
    Who needs to find a woman who will enjoy grabbing his ear.

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    1. Dear MM:

      It's always good to hear from you (although I have to admit that I confuse you and Michael M at times).

      Yes, I am definitely enjoying taking over as Evan's strict wife. This is a role that I was born to play. Evan has said that I should roll with it as much as I like. I intend to do so, and maybe push his limits along the way. I have pushed his limits physically with hard spanking. I will now start pushing his emotional / mental limits a bit in bossing him around. So far, so good. It's very fun for me, and I think Evan likes it too, judging by the erection he pokes me with each night. (No more relief for him, however: he's getting what he asked for, which is some longer term chastity.)

      Deirdre

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  5. Ms. Deirdre-
    Wow. My first reaction was "wow, she really gets 'it'". I just shared this wise post with my Lady (Cora) and she had the same reaction. I believe it will affect our relationship in ways I have been wanting it to 'evolve'. And I think I feel a new post on our own blog comeing on as a result of your very fine bit of wisdom.

    You have knocked this one out of the park, Ms. Deirdre.
    Ken and Cora

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    1. Hi Ken & Cora:

      Thank you very much for the nice comment. I hope that you two progress to the best possible place for the two of you.

      Yes, I think I finally do get it now. I have always liked to spank Evan, and peg him etc, but I didn't fully understand how much he seems to want to have me take him to task for making mistakes. Now that I think I get it a bit better, I am planning to take advantage of the situation. I plan to have a lot of fun with this.

      I imagine that Evan will too, but I hope that I can push him past his limits sometimes. That's what seems to be best for him: to be pushed mentally in some way that he isn't comfortable with. Furthermore, it excites me a lot to see him in situations where he is uncomfortable and embarrassed, so that he doesn't know what to do. It shouldn't be a problem for me: I have zero problem telling others that I spank Evan. It will be easy for me to grab his and tell him off in front of others. I have already done so at the Home Depot. Who knows where I will do this next.

      Deirdre

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  6. Dear Deirdre,

    Having followed your blog from the beginning, I was always struck that the spankings were used as an end to themselves, and how Evan seemed uninterested in submitting to you 24/7. So I congratulate you on taking this important step.

    If you can continue to encourage his obedience through chastity and discipline, you are going to be one happy lady, as everything you could ever ask for, he will willingly (and lovingly) lay at your feet.

    Best,

    Jake

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    1. Dear Jake:

      Yes, we have now evolved from spankings being an end in themselves. They are very fun for me (and for Evan), but I think we have found a more fun way to live, with Evan in greater subservience to me. He wants this, and it's great fun for me.

      Regarding chastity, yes, we are moving in that direction. We have tried the CB devices a while ago, but Evan didn't really like them: his penis didn't stay in very well. So we will be working on the honor system (which is what I prefer for now). Some day we may go for something more permanent. We'll see.

      As far as my needs, Evan has always been good at keeping me happy. But he seems even happier when I am strict with him, which makes me happy too. So I will keep this up, and enjoy my servant husband.

      Deirdre

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  7. Hi Deirdre

    Thanks for your blog and your thoughts. The psychological and mental aspects of adult discipline are fascinating and you handle that as well as anyone writing about spanking.
    The hair pulling and ear tugging must be near universal naughty boy responses as I know that I react to them immediately and I have seen two other males handled that way very effectively. I think they signal control and authority to any man ever spanked growing up.
    But there are other discipline techniques that may be specific to one person and less universal. Those just wait discovery. One longtime girlfriend before my marriage could gain control and my attention just by lightly pressing her hand over my clothed bottom and forcing my eye contact with her while she scolded me. She did this in public several times to my embarrassment although I don’t think anyone who saw it realized it was discipline.
    My wife has used light face slapping if she gets any defiance or noncooperation during a paddling and that has a powerful impact on me that puts me in a submissive zone when she does it. She also sometimes makes me stand in front of her (in private) and puts my chin in her hand while she gets control.
    I am also very affected by having my pants taken down very quickly and confidently. It’s similar to face slapping in its impact. I am sure there must be many other things that work with other men personal to them. Hard spanking is the glue that holds these together but these mental and psychological techniques make spanking much more effective and powerful.

    Alan

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    1. Dear Alan:

      Are you a first time commenter? If so, welcome! Please feel free to comment more in future posts.

      Yes, the ear pull seems to work well with Evan. I am interested to hear that it seems like something that all you submissive men like. How easy on us strict wives! I have found this little physical thing so easy to do, and so effective. A threat of a spanking never had much an effect on Evan when I was annoyed with him. But grabbing his ear does what I want: a sudden change in attitude. He turns into a flustered confused boy, and then he does exactly as I say, and agrees that he was wrong.

      Regarding face slapping, I have done this to Evan on occasion, but mostly just to wake him up when I want him to watch a show with me, and he is falling asleep. I give him a couple of sharp slaps on the cheek (not so gentle) and he wakes up a bit. But if he's totally exhausted, this isn't enough. I don't want to really hit him on the face, so I let him sleep if he seems exhausted. The face slaps are a playful dominance from me. I have done this in front of many of our friends, if Evan is falling asleep.

      You can probably tell that we aren't both evening people: Evan is more of a morning person, and I am definitely an evening person.

      Thanks again for commenting: please return again to comment on future posts. I really appreciate your feedback.

      Deirdre


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  8. Ma'am.

    Just another intense and thoughtful post, wow, you are amazing and what a wonderful step in your relationship. Amazing, ma'am!
    Always
    Ron

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    1. I guess I already answered a later comment, but I like to thank every comment, so that everyone knows I do so.

      Thanks, Ron.

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    2. You and Evan are so appreciated, ma'am.

      Always
      Ron

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  9. By the way ma'am, what a terrific otk spanking and I love your dress, so pretty.
    Always
    Ron

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    1. Well, that "dress" is the result of a weird pixelation I did on the picture. Not my actual dress. I reverted to a gaussian blur in later pictures (which is less weird in my view).

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  10. Being strict is a good thing Deirdre, and it is good that he recognizes he needs that. Also when he gets stressed out, there is nothing better than a good stress relief bare bottom spanking, that can relieve stress in both the spankee and the spanker.

    HUGS,
    Dave

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    1. Yes, well, we don't quite do that yet (spank when stressed) but we may do that soon. Mostly, I will spank when I want to, which may be to de-stress Evan or to de-stress me. We'll see what happens in practice.

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  11. I came back to re-read this excellent post after reading Ken's latest post re: a stricter Cora. I dare not share this idea with Mistress. The thought of her grabbing me by the ear in public scares me to death. Imagine the humiliation! On the other hand, now I've read this, I'm honour-bound to mention it to her anyway and worry about the consequences later.

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    1. Well, did you tell your mistress? You said you were honor-bound to do so. I hope you followed through. And what happened next? I hope she applied the practice right away.

      Deirdre

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